On Life and Loneliness

I would like to say that life is always easy, that I have made 100 best friends, I am now fluent in Spanish, and I have single handedly started a culturally conscious youth group that every Christian teenager in Guadalajara attends. But I can't say that. That was my unrealistic expectation of where I would be by November in this internship. The truth is, that God has brought me through the loneliest month of my life, that I have maybe one good friend, and that I struggle to remember the conjugations for "ser" and "estar" in the present tense. I have not started, or even hardly thought about starting a youth group.

But God is doing immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. 

A reoccurring theme in the leadership positions that I've had is this: loneliness. 

I experienced loneliness in my leadership position at Columbia Bible College, and loneliness in my leadership position at Echo Lake Bible Camp. I thought that I had a pretty good grip on what it meant to depend on God during these times. I also found a pretty good coping method called, "doing so many good things that I am too tired at the end of the day to think about that lonely emptiness inside me" and man, was I good at it. 

But God is doing immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. 

Last month I was plagued by a feeling of loneliness deeper than I had ever previously experienced. I'm going to be honest, not because I want pity, but because I know that others feel the same way. And I think we should talk about it.

I was alone, in a different county with a different language. I felt unable to fully express myself to the people I lived with in my own language, and I had no peers that I could relate to. Everything was unfamiliar and my mind was constantly analysing, and over analysing, and trying to understand language, and body language, and any language that I could find. Moreover, I couldn't cope in the way that I usually did, because I didn't know the people, culture, or language enough to be a do-gooder. 

I probably cried at least 3 times a week. 

I complained to my sisters a lot that I was so lonely. 

I pitied my poor, lonely, single self. 

But God is doing immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. 

And then one night the internet went out and I had no way of complainacating (the act of communicating solely for the purpose of complaining) to my sisters. 

"So what are you going to do now?" God asked me. "Who are you going to talk to now? Who are you going to tell your fears to?" 

I laid in bed and cried. 

And then this light bulb moment happened that was painfully obvious. 

"Oh, I should talk to Jesus about this." (Duh).

yeah. people. all my life I have known Jesus was with me and was my "friend." I've sang songs with the phrase "he's my friend" so many times I can't even count it. I've told other people that Jesus was their friend. So why didn't I have Jesus as my friend? 

Jesus had been, and is my Savoir and Lord, but he was never was really my friend. 

I laid in bed and started talking out loud to Jesus through my tears. 

And then I felt this peace wash over me. I had been understood. Completely and fully understood and completely and fully loved.

Jesus is my friend now. 

When I finally became friends with Jesus, I could give myself the freedom to fail because I realised that my identity rested in him, not in my successes. 

This changes everything. I no longer have to analyse if I am good enough, if I am everything that everyone expects me to be, or if I am even everything that I expect myself to be. 

Things started to change. I met this CBC grad who is working with MB Mission and who can pretty much relate to everything that I am going through in my internship because a) she's done her internship, b) she's living in Guadalajara for the first time, and c) she's learning Spanish.

I'm making friends with Mexicans. 

My Spanish has started getting better. 

I started getting less culturally awkward. And when I am culturally awkward, I laugh about it. So many giggles recently. It's fantastic.

I still get lonely and have moments of missing familiar things and people. But then I tell Jesus and he says "I know. I get you."

He gets me. Completely.

I realised that I need God more than I need myself. I came into this internship really dependent on my gifts, how God was going to use me, and how I could change the world. Now I am dependent on what God is doing, and how he is changing the whole world into his Kingdom. I am but a breath. What freedom I have experienced from being a single exhale. 

Jesus, and only Jesus has made me happy. Every good and perfect gift is from him. Only Jesus can make me happy. 

When I pray, I don't ask God to help me, I ask God to let me see that the harvest is plentiful. 

God is doing immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. 

So I give up all that I was asking for and imagining. 

I give up. I'm just going to be who God created me to be. And if anything with "ministry value" happens because of that, neat. If not, then I will still have glorified God by simply existing and having been made in his image. I'm just a container for his Spirit. 

We don't have to be lonely in our leadership. Jesus is there. Talk to him. He will give you a way out of your loneliness. I'm not saying that we don't need human friendships, humans need humans. But Jesus is the only one who can fully meet our physical needs, relational needs, emotional, and spiritual needs. He is the one who makes us happy. 

So friends, if you are lonely, it's ok. Your situation is probably vastly different than mine and maybe you are already best friends with Jesus, and he's bringing you through this for a completely different purpose. Maybe you are suffering from years of loneliness, of years of crying out to God, but only hearing silence. I don't know your situation, and I don't know why suffering exists, or even if God has a purpose for it. But I do know, with all of my heart, soul, and mind, that Jesus is there beside you. Jesus hears your crying. Jesus cries with you. Jesus loves you. 

God is doing immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. 

We are not alone. 

All we need is Jesus. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21